The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.
Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
The only thing that is true for all of us is that we were born, our bodies need care to survive, and then at some point our bodies break down and we die. There is no getting around it. It is the unbreakable contract of this mortal experience. But you would never know that from the priorities our society emphasizes.
Cities aren’t built for the health and comfort of the people who live there, they are built for cars. Workplaces aren’t built for the benefit of the people who spend their time there, they are built for the needs of the corporations. Schools aren’t built for students, they are built for a complicated mix of money and politics. Even hospitals aren’t built for people using them, they are built to maximize profits.
Starting from our earliest days at school we are taught that sickness is a problem. Parents get upset when they have to figure out childcare on the fly, and schools get upset when they lose a day of funding. These concerns may be legit, but what it creates is a whole lot of people who grow up feeling like they are being a bad citizen when their bodies need care.
This contempt for body needs is everywhere. In debates about parental leave or universal health care. At work with managers viewing visible body needs as poor job performance. In the media as body needs are mocked with disgust. At school where body needs are treated like a lie to get out of work. We are drowning in messaging that tells us our body needs are everything from an inconvenience to a shameful humiliation requiring secrecy. These messages are the very definition of dehumanizing. Body needs are what unite us as human beings.
Why are things like this? Why do people suffer through a whole work day with no meal or bathroom breaks and brag about how little sleep they get? Who is benefiting from this system we’ve created?
The answer is the usual culprits – Power, capitalism, corporate interests – but also, we do. In the short term. We benefit by being rewarded by Power, but we also benefit in the short term by using work as a way to cope. Distraction, status, and hierarchy are coping choices that create way more long term problems. But in the short term we get to buy into a seductive system of belief that sells us the illusion of control.
It is terrifying to be a human. We don’t know how we got here, or where we’re going. We don’t know how our bodies work or what is happening to us so much of the time. We don’t know when we will die or how we can prevent it. It is a kind of existential terror that anyone who has a body will feel on some level. So a lot of people cope by telling themselves they’re different, their behavior is virtuous enough to control mortality, and those of us who are suffering have brought it on ourselves. It’s way more comforting to live with that story than the chaos that comes with truth.
Disabled people experience so much bigotry people often don’t see until they become disabled themselves. Often, even the people who are trying to be tolerant and nice will say something that reveals they don’t think of disabled people as the same kind of human as they are. I think a large source of that bigotry is that existential fear. Disabilities are proof of mortal frailty. It’s hard to tell yourself that you are too disciplined/ strong/ brave/ hardworking/ righteous for calamity to befall you if you are aware that disabled people are just like you.
Our society is so segregated that it’s common for people to have no experience with disability until it impacts them directly. Which only adds to the terror. Like the saying goes, “you can’t be what you can’t see.” If you never see disabled people living rewarding lives, it is hard to imagine how your life could be rewarding if you were disabled. All you can see is people frantically performing their ability at any cost so that they won’t lose their jobs.
In reality, every body has specific and unique needs that are different from the person next to them. Our food needs, circadian rhythms, size differences, bathroom needs, hygiene needs, neurological differences, allergies, med reactions, on and on down an endless list, are different. That is actually what’s normal for human beings. But we’ve created a society where differences are often ignored, denied, pathologized, and shamed.
That shame is a barrier that will keep you from the healthy choices you want to make and the proper treatment you need. Shame makes people deny and ignore their symptoms. It keeps symptoms so unfamiliar you can’t report on them accurately when you do seek treatment. No solution can work if it is not based in the reality of your body needs, and the context of your life.
Disability, mental illness or chronic pain are not something that happen to other people. They are a common feature of humanity that happens to all of us in one way or another. Ability is not the default experience, it’s actually just temporary. You didn’t earn your ability, and you won’t earn it’s loss either.
Loving your body is more than loving its appearance. It also means accepting the reality of your body needs and building a life where those needs can be met.