I come from a family of storytellers. We would spend hours sitting around telling stories the others weren’t there for or were too little to remember, full of moments where it was clear we were who we were from the beginning. This is the one my family would tell about me:
My dad was a real mountain man type and was more at home in a tent than a bed. We were him, my mom, and four kids under 8. Not a single emotion regulated amongst the six of us. But he was not a man who let sense stop him, so he and my mom piled us into a Chrysler and drove to the mountains. In the rain, off season, and with limited supplies.
The tent leaked, the fire wouldn’t start, my mom – who grew up in Inglewood, California and had never camped in her life – stomped around in the mud grumbling out her fury, my siblings laughed in shaky voices trying to show how much fun they were having, and I toddled up to my grizzly bear of a father, pulled the bottle out of my mouth, put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Dis is stupid.”
He laughed in shock, we packed up, went home and my place as the family truthteller was set.
That was also the day I learned that making someone laugh was how you could tell the truth without getting in trouble.
***
When we’re trying to set health goals, it is easy to lose sight of why. Why that goal? Why now? A lot of our health goals aren’t about what works or what feels good, they’re about what we were taught a “good” or “responsible” person does. I think that for many of us, our goals are much more about trying to earn love or affirm an identity than meeting our own needs. We’re trying to prove that we’re rugged mountain men even though there’s a city wife and four babies who don’t need it, don’t care and are just miserably waiting out the rain.
Marrow is the category on the Body Loyalty rubric that describes the purpose of what we’re trying to do. Why are we doing this? Is this helping? How do you know who to listen to? When there are so many choices and so many people screaming that THEIR method is the one that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE, keeping yourself grounded in the purpose behind those choices will help you sort the scams from the solutions.
Why are we doing this? Whatever the habit is you’re trying to set, why did you pick that one? Often it’s because it was convincingly marketed to us, and we have to try something, so why not. Sometimes it’s because we were taught it’s what acceptable adults do or because it’s what is required for belonging in our family/relationship/institution. Because it feels like we owe it to someone. None of those answers will lead to sustainable behavior change. The answer to look for is, “Because my body needs it and feels better when it has it. Because this creates peace and care in my life.”
Is this helping? Because lots of things are good for some and bad for others. Or good for a while until it starts to go bad. No choice is always going to be good. Early aerobics teachers ended up injured and burned out. ME/CFS patients often get worse with exercise. No behavior is “righteous” all on it’s own. It only matters if it’s helping. Even if the person selling the thing seems really excited about it and swears it works really well for them. If it doesn’t help, it doesn’t help.
How do you know who to listen to? When there is good reason to not have faith in institutions, how do you take care of yourself without falling for a charismatic charlatan or wasting all your money? You measure the Muscles against the Marrow. Does that meal plan feel like care? Does your spirituality practice lead you to self acceptance? Are you creating more peace and care in your life?
We are looking for the interventions that will help us heal. Imagine an emergency room where a patient is having a cardiac event. The doctor might administer some medication and see what happens. If they don’t get the result they want, it would be surprising for the doctor to turn to the unconscious patient and say, “why don’t you just try harder!?” Instead they would say, “hmm. That intervention failed. Let’s try something else.”
That is the energy we should bring to finding our self care solutions. The intervention failed. Let’s try something else. That supplement/MLM program/coach turned out to be a fake. Their interventions failed. That exercise regimen/food plan/spiritual practice/therapy modality wasn’t the intervention that was going to solve your problems. OK. Instead of shame, we can go back to the purpose we’re doing this for and try another approach. Instead of breaking ourselves into pieces trying to conform to how we think we’re supposed to be, we can pack up our stuff, head home, and just admit: Dis is stupid.