I’ve learned this lesson twice, once through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and once through Quality Management: “Yesterday’s solutions are today’s problems.”
The problems you frequently address in both therapy and in business often spring up from doing things as they have always been done, when the present circumstances are very different from past circumstances. Like trying to resolve interpersonal conflict the way you did in high school, or trying to process 10,000 orders the same way you processed 100.
This is also true for how we take care of ourselves. The average 80 year old would get injured trying to perform physically the way they did when they were 20. A parent of a small child rarely has the support they need to also prioritize a detailed food plan. If we’re attached to the idea that there is a “right” way to eat or exercise or rest or whatever, we will create problems for ourselves by not meeting our actual body needs as they present themselves. We’ll be stuck using yesterday’s solutions and creating more problems for ourselves. Not only do the actual needs get neglected, but then there’s the shame over failing to solve the problem and shame over having the problem in the first place.
There is no kind of behavior that is always the right course. Not a single one. Even breathing is specific. To meet our body’s needs we need to learn how to sift through all the many options to find what is right for us at the right time.
There is no way to be right when it comes to meeting our needs, but that rarely stops us from believing there should be. Certainty is just so seductive. Certainty can feel like an answer to shame and grief, but it’s like a pay day loan. There will just be more shame to pay off when life circumstances cause the solution you’re certain about to stop being the solution you need.
People are so wildly different, and we have different needs. Biodiversity is real. Neurodiversity is real. If we think there is a “right” way to behave, that means we also believe there is a “right” way to have a human body.
We have different resources and responsibilities throughout our life. How can a choice be “right” if it’s impossible for most of the population?
Even without comparing people, just measuring against our own personal experience, needs will still change over time. How can there be a “best diet” when our nutritional needs change throughout our own life.
If we want to be accurate, the best we can do is point to broad categories of behaviors regularly proven helpful. This is where we get the Muscles of Body Loyalty. We all need food, we all need rest, we all need movement, air, community, mental and emotional support. But what specific solution achieves those goals will vary so greatly that what harms one person could be the thing that saves someone else, and vice versa.
Instead of clinging to certainty, we need the freedom, grace, and autonomy to make our own choices and conduct some experiments. Because no one else can feel what our results are. No one else is getting the feedback we’re getting from our bodies. No one else can account for all the stresses and resources in our lives.
We can address our desire for certainty by accepting that bodies will change over time; and we can find the security we crave by knowing our needs will be met – because we will meet them. We can give ourselves the space we need to experiment our way to self care solutions, and then offer that same space to each other.