I hated my body with a torrent of shame and it hated me back with pain and dysfunction.
Hi, I'm Tresa.
My body and I have been THROUGH it.
From the first moment I became aware I had a body, we have been at war. The battlefield was my every bodily function.
Sleeping, eating, breathing, thinking, ability, weight, appearance, pain, fertility — each one was a wrestle between what I thought was best and what my body was willing to do.
And we hated each other for it.
I’ve spent most of my time on this earth just trying desperately to survive the experience, and not always sure if I thought it was worth the trouble. I was raised in abusive and suppressive environments that taught me my body was a shameful horror and a threat to my safety. I was taught I should dedicate myself to hiding or controlling or battling it into submission if I expected to be worth loving.
For me, that message was reinforced by my family system, my religious system, and my cultural system, all in unique ways that intersected like a web that kept me trapped in a self hatred so visceral it’s the only feeling I had about my body at all.
I disconnected my brain from my body, ignored all my physical needs, and called it a victory of self mastery.
That didn’t last forever. You can try and ignore reality, but it will catch you eventually.
For me it was two big changes: an unusual journey through motherhood, and then a health crash so swift and total that my loved ones were bracing to say goodbye.
My body was crumbling around me. I could no longer “fake it till I make it” or have a high vibe no negativity ethos, or even follow the narrow interpretation I had of seeking religious blessings. A great attitude and intense willpower were not changing the fact that I couldn’t function the same way anymore. I had to find a way to make peace with my body if I was going to get any quality back in my life.
Reality also came for me through being the mother of a disabled child with high support needs. It was one thing when I only hated my own body, but I was not willing to hate his.
I have a close up view to what he offers to my life, and so, a view to what is TRULY valuable, and not just treated as valuable because it’s exploitable.
How do you make peace with a body that doesn’t offer anything society seems to value?
How do you stop hating a body that doesn’t fulfill any of the functions you were taught a body was supposed to fulfill?
I found the answers to that, but I had to suffer through gruesome medical treatments, crises of faith, and existential crises to get them.
I hope I can spare you some of that trouble.